Wendy Radford, Holistic Therapies - telephone 01825 733 590 or 07921 837 807
Is this love that I am giving/receiving or attachment?
love can shine bright like a candle flame

Is this love that I am giving/receiving or attachment?

Love can be like a candle flame shining bright for all to see.  However, love is a huge umbrella word.  It is a word brandished around willy-nilly and used like a favourite jumper – every day! We love our house, car, jumper, coffee, red wine, family, roses, boats, skiing, horse riding, music, meditating, yoga, gym etc.  What is included in your list?

However, having gone through this huge list of things we love where do you actually fit in? Are you perhaps loved more than the car? Less than the coffee?  Can you see where this is going?

We all want to be loved, honoured and respected for who we are.  Just the way we are so that our true love can shine like a candle. Here is the thing though: do we know what someone can do to show us that they love us? 

For instance, on Valentine’s day it is society’s idea that we should give gifts to those we are in a romantic relationship with.  Flowers and chocolates are the norm but if someone gave me chocolates I would know that they hadn’t bothered to find out what I like.  I don’t like sweet things. However, the intention may have been full of love.  If you had hay fever, flowers would not go down well either. 

For each person, there is a unique way to show them you love them.  There is no step-by-step guide to this. However, if you don’t know what the unique way is for you then no one else really stands a chance of getting it right. 

It is really important to truly know what your partner can do to show you that they love you.  Then the essential thing to do is to share this information.  Most of us are not mind readers and we need help and encouragement to understand and appreciate your individuality.  This is a two-way thing… Do not leave them guessing. Dig deep…what makes you feel loved?

With that thought in mind, we have worked out what we think we need to show we are loved.  This is a massive step forward.  Now the ego wants our partner to fill this need in us.  We expect our partner to fix it for us, to make us feel loved and cared for, honoured and protected, respected and special.  So we look for outside assurance that we are okay, that we are loved. 

Dear readers, love is not an outside fix.  Until we love ourselves unconditionally no one else can love us.  This is about finding out we are whole without anyone else.  From that place we can enjoy friendship and love without playing the needy card and without asking our partner to join us as a partner in pain. Love yourself – warts and all – you are beautiful in your own individual way and you are enough.

Love is about wanting the best for the other person.  Love can be easily confused with attachment.  We think we love however there is a condition in that love that you must need me too. That is what makes it a partner in pain.  Attachment means that we believe that we need to be with that person for us to love them.  That they need to be with us so that we feel loved.  We are attached to the relationship.  We begin to define ourselves as the relationship.  We begin to believe that we cannot function without the relationship.  This is not true love but attachment.  It can be like an addiction.

When true unconditional love is on the table, the sentiment is ‘I love you and I want you to be happy whether you are with me or not.  I do not need you to need me.  I release you to be the very best person that you can be.  If that is with me Yippy…if not I love you enough to let you go.  I love you, I am not attached to you as a partner in pain.’

The energy that is given off in this kind of relationship is free flowing.  It allows true authenticity – it respects, it honours, it trusts, it is joyful, and it is loving.

Love + Trust = Joy which brings freedom to be you.

When there is love without trust it is a heavy and clinging energy.  When there is trust without love again the energy is out of balance. Often people will say that they loved and got burned.  The question then is: was there really both love and trust on both sides of the relationship?  Was it love or attachment that was present? Partners in pain?

These are very deep questions and often take a great deal of self- reflection, courage and tenacity to be totally honest with ourselves. The ego loves to hide behind the ‘yes but, no but, they should have, ought to have’ etc.  Look inside, delve deep, was it love and trust bringing joy? Or was it out of balance with a need for someone to make you feel special? Or maybe you just felt unappreciated and alone as it appeared you were doing everything?

When you can fill all the needs that your ego requires yourself, then and only then can you truly love someone else with unconditional love.  How would it truly feel to be loved unconditionally?  When you understand this and can love yourself that way then can you know how to love another equally. 

If you are not being loving, you can’t receive love.  If you are not giving love, you are not receiving love (if you feel something is missing in your life, you tend to look for what you are not getting.  However, the real search is for what you are not giving to yourself or maybe others?).  If you are not receiving love (there is no shortage), there’s only a lack of willingness or ability to receive it.  Becoming a better receiver certainly helps to dispel the illusions of lack.  Remember my first question if you are not being it, you can’t receive it!  It is a lovely cycle that just goes around and around. 

One last comment to you: true authentic joy is soul joy.  It does not depend on outside experiences and emotions because that kind of ego-based joy is transient.  Soul joy is internal and constant, requiring nothing from outside of you.

So dear reader, find freedom by loving unconditionally.  Do not fall into the trap of seeking love in the form of attachment from outside.  Look within.  When you can love yourself unconditionally by loving and trusting yourself with authenticity, you will feel the authentic soul-joy.  Then go forth and share this truly beautiful experience and watch your relationships and life blossom. Let your love shine like a candle for all to see!

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